“Look. All I’m looking for is a cute, brilliant, active, semi/independent queer bi/ace lady of approximately my age who’s passionate and proactive about her interests outside of the relationship, has a disability compatible with my inclination but not incompatible with my lifestyle, and is amenable to having approximately one biological kid of her own, having not had that chance yet. Is that really too much to ask?? … Well, yes. Of course it is, on many levels, statistical not the least. So are all traits required? No! But do they all have reasons for being on the short-list? Yes.”
Or so, at least, read my “Looking For” profile, and not inaccurately, at some cheeky time in late 2019. And since it has been confirmed to me that sometimes women (and generally speaking, the more attractive ones at that) do read my blog posts when they have some combination of interest and misgivings and want to get some answers before they feel comfortable asking what seem like uncomfortable questions directly, let’s go ahead and break all of that down.
I’m looking for cute. That’s hardly unusual; the difference between deep-friendship-compatibility and romantic-compatibility generally begins with an inclination to appreciate your partner’s appearance. I fancy myself to have a fairly broad definition of attractive when it comes down to base body type, although for trying, it’s still not universal. And you can still very easily ruin the effect by being a complete slob, having an acerbic personality, etc.
I’m looking for brilliant. This is less because I “need” smart, and more because, regrettably, I have encountered people who seem to think of “intellectual” as a trait that other people put on for show. I am told by a great may peers that I am smart, enough so that I I can generally believe them, even after I’ve just done something monumentally stupid. I am interested in a great many things, at least in passing, and tend not to treat any piece of information as too irrelevant to at least mental-note the existence of to look up later if need be. It’s not for show (although sometimes it lets me make and do stuff that I really am quite proud to show). It can definitely be isolating to be the only one in a room who appreciates something. It can definitely feel degrading (to both parties, no less) to be asked about my interests, take the time to explain them, and be met with “Well, that sounds fascinating! I could never do that!”- a response that at once draws a line between us, contradicts the questioner’s asserted curiosity, and implies that my interests as described are less than worthwhile to overcome difficulty in pursuit of. And so I don’t want to be “the smart one,” at least not in a relationship where “smart” is the only axis we can find to rank ourselves on. You can be smart and we can both be the smart one; that certainly works. Or you can be the athletic one, or the creative one, or the artistic one, or the savvy one, or any other superlative that you are, brilliantly and by nature. And at least we’ll be isolated together!
I’m looking for active. Ok, this is something of a proxy for “reasonably healthy,” or further, “not morbidly obese.” But if we hit it off in every other respect, and you can keep up with me putting in my 10k fitbit steps almost completely within the 2 half-hour walking legs of my daily commute to/from work (a fair proxy for some of the other convention-going, city-trips, hikes, and other activities I may want to do with my special someone), I’m willing to try to keep more of an open mind to your healthiness than a purely weight-minded doctor might.
I’m looking for at least somewhat independent, with regards to living and self-care. Devotee though I may be, I am not cut out to be a full-time caregiver, and… ok, no, that reads like the excuse that it almost certainly is. Clean, logical, rational, and insufferably ableist. The truth is I’ve been through the process, two or three times, of falling for a woman with significant care needs. And her needs never seemed like a barrier up front. We’d have positive, enjoyable conversations; even positive, enjoyable in-person meetings. But as time went on, I would be inexorably drawn to the realization that she was not so much stuck in a chair as stuck in an incompatible reality: that the way she used words for e.g. experiences and activities in her otherwise-attractive self-description were accurate to the only understandings she’d ever had, but not consistent with my own experiences and understandings of them… because she’d only ever experienced them within the confines of her disability; that she would love to see and go and do and be things for me and with me, but was presently mired deeply in prohibitive caregiver/family/needs drama… because her disability precluded her from breaking free; that she, one way or another, would never live up to the promise I saw in her because she didn’t even notice it was there, or else I could never understand her well enough to understand why she’d walled it off from her outlook… because her disabled experience and my abled experience were just too divergent to reconcile. So really, this is a matter of correlation, not causation. I like being helpful and accepting. The greater your needs, the more helpful and accepting I can be, and some of the messier and more personal needs you may have are not even deal-breakers. But for that very reason, I detest being put in a position where I am increasingly unhappy in the relationship for reasons that can never be entirely decoupled from your needs and limitations. And so I am wary of anyone who is not, even from her own perspective, at least somewhat independent.
I’m looking for queer. Queer is not, perhaps, the most accurate word for what I’m looking for, but it’s the most succinct term that lands in the right ballpark. I’ve never related well to gender extremes. I’ve never idolized machismo, I’ve never ogled beauty queens, I’ve never been much into sports, I’ve never been much into cheerleaders. It is an inconvenient fact that a lot of the able women who actually catch my eye do so for being casual, unfashionable, tomboy-ish, etc., in ways one or both of us come to learn later have been motivated by her rejection of feminine norms, or femininity as a whole. I really don’t care who you like how (as long, obviously, as I am within at least one category of interest), or what your identity is, or how you relate to it. You’re simply going to be more attractive to me if, whatever the reason, you are not leading your life so as to do honor to your gender as defined by conservative society.
Likewise, I’m looking for bi (or broader) and/or asexual. Again, who you actually like and how you relate to your body is between you and your partner, and as a prospective partner, I will say, absolutely, you do you (literally, if that’s your thing). For my part, after taking some decades to dig through my interest-tangle enough to recognize it in isolation, I… do not relate well to penis. It’s always been there, it’ll probably keep being there, society’s perception of its presence has opened more doors to me than I will ever fully understand, and if I find a woman who likes it in the way society would have me believe that most do, then that’s all the better for the relationship. But my mind is only rarely on sex, and then not so much sex as intimacy-with-climax, so a woman coming on too soon, too hard, or to frequently with interest explicitly in my masculinity is, honestly, off-putting. I might not go as far as to say a woman’s “fixation” on my penis-having is LITERALLY as unnerving to me as is, to her, my “fixation” on her disability-having, but as long as I put those two notions in the same bucket, I think we might arrive at an understanding. I’m not going to ask you to not be aroused at my body if you happen to be; arousal is not a bad thing to have in a relationship, and neither is it a thing anyone has control over. But the more you’re interested in me as something more than a masculinity-fantasy-confirming body you can play with, and the more I’m interested in you as something more than a disability-fantasy-confirming body I can play with, the better.
I’m looking for a lady, girl, woman, or however you think of yourself provided your body is appealing to the sort of people who are attracted to female bodies. Penis, as noted above, is unrelatable to me and also a heavy turn-off. When and if the dream of biological kids dies, a body-affirmed trans woman may work out for me, but I wouldn’t want to bring that and similar mildly transphobic friction to a relationship with someone I otherwise cared about, so I’d hope to get it out of my system before even bothering to ask.
I’m looking for approximately my age. Hopefully that’s not too unusual. It’s depressing getting to the point where both “you could be my kid” and “you could be my parent” accounts exist, but hopefully both would be ruled out by mutual agreement. I’d say much outside of a 5 year age difference would require a pretty strong case for our similarity/compatibility.
I’m looking for passion regarding, and proactive participation in, interests outside our relationship. I’ve lived on my own long enough that I don’t need someone to just cook, clean, take care of the house, and pay attention to me. Those are not bad skills per se, they just bring nothing into my life. Likewise, it’s all well and good to say “I’m really excited when I go to Disney World,” for instance, but unless you live in Florida and have a career in or tangential to the entertainment industry, that’s hardly likely to be a cornerstone of what makes you you, and what you bring to the world around you on a weekly basis. Do, be, and be about something outside of me, which I can come to an appreciation of through you, and support you in your pursuit of, as I would hope you support me in my own interests.
I’m looking for disability, else I wouldn’t exactly be here. I have numerous much older posts on the subject, which likely remain relevant, even if the specific language and priorities I may express myself with might have evolved. It’s still, fundamentally, an arousal like any other physiological interest; it’s still not something I can control at will; it’s still not “fair”- it does pick favorites; and I still try very hard to draw the line between what I notice/feel and how I act based on that interest, in the hope that I can be just as gentlemanly for attraction to e.g. your legs as I might be for attraction to e.g. your chest. I would not say a disabled partner is per se essential for my romantic happiness, but it would, in my view, be tragic if I kept walling off, ignoring, and getting increasingly neurotic about my feelings (as I did for ~10 years) all in order to avoid encountering a woman who was everything else I wanted and also, for her part, desperately trying to not have potential partners be put off by her disability. That said, as above, I would need some convincing-by-demonstration before letting myself fall too hard for someone with so many needs that I would need to alter my life and expectations around her an order of magnitude more than I might in joining with an able woman.
And I am, at least on paper, looking to settle down and have a (small) family. I’m an only-child navy-brat who did plenty of moving around and am astounded, looking back, at how long I’ve now been in a place that I never planned to settle down in. I have amazing parents and grandparents (although only 1 of the latter left as of this writing), and have had so much invested in me that I’d feel greedy not passing it on. That said, I’m not really ready to jump in as an immediate father figure to someone else’s kids; I would think less of you if any kids you may have were NOT your top priority, but in saying that, if you have kids now, then I would never get to experience BEING your top priority for a bit; and if your kids are grown and not living with you, then with respect, your life has been so different from mine and you’re already so far ahead on family experience, that I’d have trouble relating. But… more and more every year, I realize any women out there who want kids have more than likely already had them with someone even if it meant committing to raising them alone, and so I have to acknowledge that, again at least on paper, I’ll only have less success if I hold kids as a deal-breaker for an otherwise superlative woman for too much longer…
So. That’s the long version, at least circa right now. Far more open than I’d be anywhere but a dating site, and far more open than I’d be on disability on any general dating site. But 30s is too old to go beating around the bush, playing games with strangers “for practice,” or settling on an arm-candy date I’m pretty sure I’ll be bored of in a year (not that I’ve ever been one for any of that, but being on the receiving end doesn’t feel good either). If you’re interested and intrigued and think any of this sounds relatable, awesome! If not, be a decent human and don’t hit me up with 1-line how-are-you-doings, blind blasts of your situation to anyone willing to listen, gushingly bot-ish compliments on the attractiveness of my profile (particularly when my view log doesn’t even show you viewing it), or invitations for sex. I wish you nothing but success, but those are not the paths to attain it.
And if I’ve shown interest in you, do be aware that you’ve fallen onto a VERY narrow pedestal!